I feel like the Lord is trying to explain to me what he is teaching me...what I need to learn in this time. What I need to be able to take away with me when I leave this place – no matter where I go or what I do. Its not so much about endless hours of praying and reading the Bible. As that would basically be impossible anywhere else. And those aspects are, of course, important and necessary as well. But I need to learn how to live with Jesus at the center of everything. That in everything I do, I am trying to glorify God and listen for the Holy Spirit's counsel. So that no matter what fills my day from start to finish, I'll go to bed being closer to God and more in love with Jesus and more in tune with the Holy Spirit. Because being a lover of Jesus makes me successful.
Spontaneous singing was going on as I was writing that journal entry that seemed fitting :)...I'll share some of it:
I will not have my portion in this life
For I know when I awake, I will be satisfied
I will be satisfied
I'll have my full inheritance
No compromise, we wanna be wholly Yours
We want to be found worthy of your Son
I give you my heart
I give you my soul
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
God is a Jealous God
So, I don't remember what day it was, but I was sitting in the prayer-room journaling and thinking and this revelation hit me. Literally, its the only way I can describe it. I will kind of paraphrase what I wrote in my journal:
I was journaling about my frustrations in this complicated time as far as my relationship with Jordan goes. I was pouring my heart out to the Lord and asking Him what I should do. Even as I wrote that question I felt I knew the answer. “Press into God. Remember He is my everything. Pursue him whole-heartedly, just for you and Him. Not for the sake of Jordan, not for the sake of confirmation. But because you love Him. Because you want to know him. You can pray for Jordan and wisdom in all of this. But try to leave it at that. Don't worry! Don't try to figure it all out, even if it seems Jordan has or wants you to. Just focus on God now and worry about that later. Lord, I surrender. I desire to run after you wholeheartedly. Teach me your ways and what you have for me.”
It (the revelation you could call it :) ) just really hit me suddenly...that I had wrong motives and expectations for my time here. It was like I had been thinking if I spend all this time here in God's presence and in prayer than he will have to give me answers! And some of that is okay and true but it was too important for me...it was like the Lord was gently rebuking me, showing me what was in my own heart. His perfect holy Light does seem to reveal even the hidden darkness in our own hearts doesn't it? He wants me to be here to spend time with him because I love him. Period. No other motives.
After thinking on that and confessing to the Lord, I wrote: “Forgive me for almost trying to use You. I'm sorry God.”
Some days later I was reading in the awesome book “The rewards of Fasting” by Mike Bickle & Dana Candler. I wanted to share an excerpt from that book that relates well with part of my revelation:
“Fourth, Jesus the Bridegroom is zealous. Love is not passive and the God of affection is an all-consuming fire (Deut. 4:24) His jealousy for us is as demanding as the grave, a most powerful flame, the very flame of God (Song. 8:6,7). With fierce zeal He consumes all that hinders love in us, everything that gets in the way. He will not have only a portion of our hearts and He will continue to jealously pursue every aspect of our lives until we are fully His.”
I am beginning to grasp what it means for God to be a jealous God. I'd heard it before many times but I feel like I am finally getting insight into what this means. I guess thats what revelations do to you, suddenly the Lord gives you insight into His word, your own heart and His heart in a way you never had. He really is jealous for my affections, my love, my time, my heart. And he will do whatever it takes to captivate me. He makes no room for other lovers! And I definitely wouldn't put it past him to do things I might deem unfair just to get my attention and draw me close to Him. (staying for Track 2 was one of them! :) ).
I was journaling about my frustrations in this complicated time as far as my relationship with Jordan goes. I was pouring my heart out to the Lord and asking Him what I should do. Even as I wrote that question I felt I knew the answer. “Press into God. Remember He is my everything. Pursue him whole-heartedly, just for you and Him. Not for the sake of Jordan, not for the sake of confirmation. But because you love Him. Because you want to know him. You can pray for Jordan and wisdom in all of this. But try to leave it at that. Don't worry! Don't try to figure it all out, even if it seems Jordan has or wants you to. Just focus on God now and worry about that later. Lord, I surrender. I desire to run after you wholeheartedly. Teach me your ways and what you have for me.”
It (the revelation you could call it :) ) just really hit me suddenly...that I had wrong motives and expectations for my time here. It was like I had been thinking if I spend all this time here in God's presence and in prayer than he will have to give me answers! And some of that is okay and true but it was too important for me...it was like the Lord was gently rebuking me, showing me what was in my own heart. His perfect holy Light does seem to reveal even the hidden darkness in our own hearts doesn't it? He wants me to be here to spend time with him because I love him. Period. No other motives.
After thinking on that and confessing to the Lord, I wrote: “Forgive me for almost trying to use You. I'm sorry God.”
Some days later I was reading in the awesome book “The rewards of Fasting” by Mike Bickle & Dana Candler. I wanted to share an excerpt from that book that relates well with part of my revelation:
“Fourth, Jesus the Bridegroom is zealous. Love is not passive and the God of affection is an all-consuming fire (Deut. 4:24) His jealousy for us is as demanding as the grave, a most powerful flame, the very flame of God (Song. 8:6,7). With fierce zeal He consumes all that hinders love in us, everything that gets in the way. He will not have only a portion of our hearts and He will continue to jealously pursue every aspect of our lives until we are fully His.”
I am beginning to grasp what it means for God to be a jealous God. I'd heard it before many times but I feel like I am finally getting insight into what this means. I guess thats what revelations do to you, suddenly the Lord gives you insight into His word, your own heart and His heart in a way you never had. He really is jealous for my affections, my love, my time, my heart. And he will do whatever it takes to captivate me. He makes no room for other lovers! And I definitely wouldn't put it past him to do things I might deem unfair just to get my attention and draw me close to Him. (staying for Track 2 was one of them! :) ).
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Basic Update...Track 2!
So, I have been at track 2 of Fire in the night for about 2 ½ weeks now. There is definitely similarities but it feels so different. I love it though, its been awesome. First big change = the people!
I am slowly getting to know a lot of the track 1 people. There are a lot of really cool ones! There is about 50 of them. I must say at first it was very overwhelming. I went from recognizing every face in the prayer-room to feeling very outnumbered by “new” people. :) I felt like this wasn't fire in the night because they don't belong here! :) I still haven't talked to a lot of the girls....though I have met almost all the guys. The girls just seem harder to approach...for me anyways. They are much more clique-ish. They sit with their apartments at meals and such. I would much rather sit down with a bunch of guys that are talking about random things than a bunch of girls that seem to know one another well. For the most part the guys are too silly and crazy to make you feel awkward or out of place. I really often prefer the company of guys to girls. I know it seems weird, but honestly I have never lived with so many girls! :) I'm a little girl-overloaded. I'm used to me, mom, and 4 guys (not to mention the other 2+ guys that are at our house almost constantly). I do hope I get to have some good conversations with the girls though over the next couple of months. We had a little sharing/question session with a bunch of the girls about 2 weeks ago. It was really cool. We introduced ourselves and let them ask us questions about whatever they wanted. And we ended by praying for them. It was really cool.
Spiritually, there is a different atmosphere in track 2. There is more hunger and intensity in my own heart not to mention in my whole apartment. We spend every morning praying for one another before we go to sleep and we have lots of conversations about God, His word, and what He has done in us. I feel like there is much less wasted time or time used for less edifying purposes, like face-booking for example. (not to say that face-book is wrong by any means, but this is an intense three month season of my life). I am so incredibly blessed my who the Lord gave me for roommates. Lindsey shares a room with me, she was my apartment mate last track as well. She is 22. Then there is Rachel and Kara, Rachel will be 23 in a couple days and Kara is 25 I think. As a result, I am now the youngest :) I don't mind at all though and actually feel quite blended into the mix just fine :) I enjoy the maturity and intensity that rests on our apartment. Of course thats not to say we don't have fun, laugh, or have crazy times together. Rachel and I seem to die of laughter almost every morning as she brushes her teeth in the bathroom :) We have such a blast together. Oh, I also wanted to say I am so incredibly blessed to have the core leaders that I have: Katie and Kristie. They are both amazing, mature, grounded woman in the Lord! And they are both tons of fun and easy to talk to, very accepting and understanding. I love it because during our weekly apartment meetings we share things the Lord is teaching us and then Katie is teaching us about the attributes of Jesus. We usually go at least 30 minutes over the scheduled time asking questions about the Word and just listening to her insight and wisdom. Its been amazing! I also like the fact that there are only 4 of us in our apartment (the other track 2 apartments have 5 & 7). It feels more like our own place with less stuff and less traffic of people.
As far as classes go, almost every class we have is with track 1, which is very different than last track where there was much more distinction. We have a class all about Jesus called “the excellencies of Christ,” Connection Time with Stuart (we had that last track), Sermon on the mount/discussion groups, and Foundations of a forerunner/discussion groups (the only class we have just as track2). I really really enjoy the discussion groups, it is something they are doing new this track. (I don't think they ever did it much in previous tracks). We get to dissect what was talked about, ask questions, and share/receive insights on verses and principles discussed in class. Its really cool! I also love hearing from others, you get to know them in a different way when you see that side of a person.
Overall, I am loving track 2 but at the same time excited to go home when it is over...its been a long time. I also can't wait to start an omega group when I get back, each track 2 intern received a kit to start one!!
I am slowly getting to know a lot of the track 1 people. There are a lot of really cool ones! There is about 50 of them. I must say at first it was very overwhelming. I went from recognizing every face in the prayer-room to feeling very outnumbered by “new” people. :) I felt like this wasn't fire in the night because they don't belong here! :) I still haven't talked to a lot of the girls....though I have met almost all the guys. The girls just seem harder to approach...for me anyways. They are much more clique-ish. They sit with their apartments at meals and such. I would much rather sit down with a bunch of guys that are talking about random things than a bunch of girls that seem to know one another well. For the most part the guys are too silly and crazy to make you feel awkward or out of place. I really often prefer the company of guys to girls. I know it seems weird, but honestly I have never lived with so many girls! :) I'm a little girl-overloaded. I'm used to me, mom, and 4 guys (not to mention the other 2+ guys that are at our house almost constantly). I do hope I get to have some good conversations with the girls though over the next couple of months. We had a little sharing/question session with a bunch of the girls about 2 weeks ago. It was really cool. We introduced ourselves and let them ask us questions about whatever they wanted. And we ended by praying for them. It was really cool.
Spiritually, there is a different atmosphere in track 2. There is more hunger and intensity in my own heart not to mention in my whole apartment. We spend every morning praying for one another before we go to sleep and we have lots of conversations about God, His word, and what He has done in us. I feel like there is much less wasted time or time used for less edifying purposes, like face-booking for example. (not to say that face-book is wrong by any means, but this is an intense three month season of my life). I am so incredibly blessed my who the Lord gave me for roommates. Lindsey shares a room with me, she was my apartment mate last track as well. She is 22. Then there is Rachel and Kara, Rachel will be 23 in a couple days and Kara is 25 I think. As a result, I am now the youngest :) I don't mind at all though and actually feel quite blended into the mix just fine :) I enjoy the maturity and intensity that rests on our apartment. Of course thats not to say we don't have fun, laugh, or have crazy times together. Rachel and I seem to die of laughter almost every morning as she brushes her teeth in the bathroom :) We have such a blast together. Oh, I also wanted to say I am so incredibly blessed to have the core leaders that I have: Katie and Kristie. They are both amazing, mature, grounded woman in the Lord! And they are both tons of fun and easy to talk to, very accepting and understanding. I love it because during our weekly apartment meetings we share things the Lord is teaching us and then Katie is teaching us about the attributes of Jesus. We usually go at least 30 minutes over the scheduled time asking questions about the Word and just listening to her insight and wisdom. Its been amazing! I also like the fact that there are only 4 of us in our apartment (the other track 2 apartments have 5 & 7). It feels more like our own place with less stuff and less traffic of people.
As far as classes go, almost every class we have is with track 1, which is very different than last track where there was much more distinction. We have a class all about Jesus called “the excellencies of Christ,” Connection Time with Stuart (we had that last track), Sermon on the mount/discussion groups, and Foundations of a forerunner/discussion groups (the only class we have just as track2). I really really enjoy the discussion groups, it is something they are doing new this track. (I don't think they ever did it much in previous tracks). We get to dissect what was talked about, ask questions, and share/receive insights on verses and principles discussed in class. Its really cool! I also love hearing from others, you get to know them in a different way when you see that side of a person.
Overall, I am loving track 2 but at the same time excited to go home when it is over...its been a long time. I also can't wait to start an omega group when I get back, each track 2 intern received a kit to start one!!
Friday, November 14, 2008
My revelation about ubelief in the believer
Okay, now to my latest revelation...about unbelief.
Sitting on the couch in my apartment some of my friends and I were discussing Healing, and what prevents it from happening...we were bringing up various scriptures and personal stories as well as issues of doubt, unbelief, timing, etc. I don't think we all agree, but we do agree that we shall pray for people to be healed every time, even if it doesn't always happen. Anyways...Julia was looking up the definitions in the Greek or something, the difference between doubt and unbelief. Doubt is like wavering in something you believe, much more temporary. Unbelief, on the other hand, is more like a direct stance or declaration against God, denying Him to be God. We thought that would make sense in the context of Jesus doing only few miracles in his hometown because of their unbelief. The people in that town grew up with him, and didn't really believe him to be God. It was different than doubting his power at that moment. But then someone brought up the verse somewhere where its said I believe, but help my unbelief. That didn't really seem to make sense...it seemed unbelief was something that would only be possible in an unbeliever...maybe they mistranslated we said...all of a sudden something clicked, and it was like I received this instant revelation about unbelief in the believer. I will try to share it here, but it may be a little hard to follow :)
My revelation is about what unbelief is way beyond in instances of believing for miracles or signs and wonders. But rather at the deeper, heart level. Basically to the measure of compromise we have in our life is the measure of unbelief we have in our hearts. Its like a direct association. I know, it may seem strange, but bear with me, please. (I just want to say that I had never thought of it this way until that moment, it was so cool!)(we can also have unbelief in the aspect of not truly believing God to be who He says He is...but that is a whole other topic!)
When we live in known compromise with sin, we are basically denying God the position of God in that area of our heart/life. We be-little the words of scripture or the conviction of the Holy Spirit and make excuses for our compromise with sin. “God can't expect me to be perfect, I'm human!” or “I'm sure ___ isn't really that big of a deal...God is just over doing it” “Who cares if I gossip, I am a better Christian than most” “It's just not realistic” or many other excuses may come up and we ignore the conviction that the Holy Spirit gave us and continue on. (now I want to clarify I am not talking about striving for righteousness but failing in our weakness. I am talking about indirect or direct rebellion. There is a huge difference).
If you think about it, that really is like having unbelief in our hearts. Just think of how different we would live if Jesus was right in front of us...and yet He is there, so why don't we live that way? If we truly 100% believe God to be who He says He is and give him that position in our lives and obey His word accordingly, we would never make excuses for sin or allow compromise to be an option. Instead, we would strive for righteousness in those areas of weakness, repenting and moving forward...repenting and moving forward. Waring against sin instead of making it okay. Does this make sense at all? We are denying God the position of God in those areas of our lives, which is basically the definition of unbelief...even though we are saved.
I began to “preach myself into conviction” as I explained my revelation to my friends. Think about the “little things,” not just the “big stuff.” Whenever the Holy Spirit convicts us, we must respond actively not passively. And we must be steadfast and faithful to continue living out our active response. We must believe He is who He says He is, give Him that position in every area of our life, and take Him at His word!
We get ourselves into such a mess when we begin to compare ourselves to others, saved or unsaved. Instead, we should be comparing ourselves to Jesus' perfect example. In matthew 5:48 Jesus says “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” This is a command, not just nice words!
Thankfully, the Holy Spirit takes things one chunk at a time. Or else we would be completely lost and overwhelmed by our darkness. I just want to challenge you all to look in your own hearts for areas of “unbelief.” Areas where you have ignored the Holy Spirit's conviction, through His voice or through His word. Where you have compromised, compared yourself to others, and made excuses to continue in your compromise. If you can't think of any areas of compromise, I encourage you to read the sermon on the mount again, asking the Lord to reveal any compromise in your life, cause I can guarantee it's there, somewhere!
We want every area of our lives and hearts to be under His authority and striving to live in obedience to Him. And I really believe that as we begin to grasp this, we will see results. We will become more like his Son and people will know there is something different about us. God will release more of His supernatural power upon us as we weed out the unbelief inside us. Don't let unbelief in your heart keep you from the things and ways of the Lord!
Many blessings!
Trisha
Sitting on the couch in my apartment some of my friends and I were discussing Healing, and what prevents it from happening...we were bringing up various scriptures and personal stories as well as issues of doubt, unbelief, timing, etc. I don't think we all agree, but we do agree that we shall pray for people to be healed every time, even if it doesn't always happen. Anyways...Julia was looking up the definitions in the Greek or something, the difference between doubt and unbelief. Doubt is like wavering in something you believe, much more temporary. Unbelief, on the other hand, is more like a direct stance or declaration against God, denying Him to be God. We thought that would make sense in the context of Jesus doing only few miracles in his hometown because of their unbelief. The people in that town grew up with him, and didn't really believe him to be God. It was different than doubting his power at that moment. But then someone brought up the verse somewhere where its said I believe, but help my unbelief. That didn't really seem to make sense...it seemed unbelief was something that would only be possible in an unbeliever...maybe they mistranslated we said...all of a sudden something clicked, and it was like I received this instant revelation about unbelief in the believer. I will try to share it here, but it may be a little hard to follow :)
My revelation is about what unbelief is way beyond in instances of believing for miracles or signs and wonders. But rather at the deeper, heart level. Basically to the measure of compromise we have in our life is the measure of unbelief we have in our hearts. Its like a direct association. I know, it may seem strange, but bear with me, please. (I just want to say that I had never thought of it this way until that moment, it was so cool!)(we can also have unbelief in the aspect of not truly believing God to be who He says He is...but that is a whole other topic!)
When we live in known compromise with sin, we are basically denying God the position of God in that area of our heart/life. We be-little the words of scripture or the conviction of the Holy Spirit and make excuses for our compromise with sin. “God can't expect me to be perfect, I'm human!” or “I'm sure ___ isn't really that big of a deal...God is just over doing it” “Who cares if I gossip, I am a better Christian than most” “It's just not realistic” or many other excuses may come up and we ignore the conviction that the Holy Spirit gave us and continue on. (now I want to clarify I am not talking about striving for righteousness but failing in our weakness. I am talking about indirect or direct rebellion. There is a huge difference).
If you think about it, that really is like having unbelief in our hearts. Just think of how different we would live if Jesus was right in front of us...and yet He is there, so why don't we live that way? If we truly 100% believe God to be who He says He is and give him that position in our lives and obey His word accordingly, we would never make excuses for sin or allow compromise to be an option. Instead, we would strive for righteousness in those areas of weakness, repenting and moving forward...repenting and moving forward. Waring against sin instead of making it okay. Does this make sense at all? We are denying God the position of God in those areas of our lives, which is basically the definition of unbelief...even though we are saved.
I began to “preach myself into conviction” as I explained my revelation to my friends. Think about the “little things,” not just the “big stuff.” Whenever the Holy Spirit convicts us, we must respond actively not passively. And we must be steadfast and faithful to continue living out our active response. We must believe He is who He says He is, give Him that position in every area of our life, and take Him at His word!
We get ourselves into such a mess when we begin to compare ourselves to others, saved or unsaved. Instead, we should be comparing ourselves to Jesus' perfect example. In matthew 5:48 Jesus says “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” This is a command, not just nice words!
Thankfully, the Holy Spirit takes things one chunk at a time. Or else we would be completely lost and overwhelmed by our darkness. I just want to challenge you all to look in your own hearts for areas of “unbelief.” Areas where you have ignored the Holy Spirit's conviction, through His voice or through His word. Where you have compromised, compared yourself to others, and made excuses to continue in your compromise. If you can't think of any areas of compromise, I encourage you to read the sermon on the mount again, asking the Lord to reveal any compromise in your life, cause I can guarantee it's there, somewhere!
We want every area of our lives and hearts to be under His authority and striving to live in obedience to Him. And I really believe that as we begin to grasp this, we will see results. We will become more like his Son and people will know there is something different about us. God will release more of His supernatural power upon us as we weed out the unbelief inside us. Don't let unbelief in your heart keep you from the things and ways of the Lord!
Many blessings!
Trisha
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Revelation in the prayer room...
Wow, so its been quite a while since I have updated my blog. I want to assure you it is not because of lack of new knowledge or anything, I have just been so busy. So many teachings, and I am not always faithful to take notes....but it is going into my heart. I definitely cannot go into detail on everything I have been learning but I want to touch on a couple things...
First of all concerning track 2. I am really feeling the Lord leading me to stay for track 2. But before I expound on that any more I want to explain what it took (or the majority of it) for me to come to this place.
Its so ironic, because a couple sundays ago we had a track 2 informational meeting and then they had us tell them “yes, no, or possibly”. I actually said flat out “no.” I had my mind made up, I was not staying. Its not that I had no desire to stay, I had grown to love these people and my home here, I just didn't want to stay. Even as I said it though I could almost feel my stubbornness. For those of you that don't know, I am very stubborn.
Anyways, fast forward to the next day in the prayer room. I was pacing with my Bible, reading Matthew 5. I have read that chapter countless times since I have been here, but this time was different. It was as if the words were arrows hitting my heart. I was totally in another world, quite unaware of those that passed me as I paced. I could only take a verse or two and then would stop. The truths were so deep, and so revealing of my shortcomings. As I progressed through the chapter I was made very aware of how “far from the mark” I really am, and how much I could benefit staying longer. The last verse in chapter 5 was about all I could bear...about being perfect as our heavenly father is perfect. I realized that no matter how pure and true my heart is, I NEED to be pushed. I need to continue to be pushed beyond my comfort level of righteousness...I need the discipline right now to spend hours with the Lord, hours of reading his word and praying. I need those in authority over me bringing new conviction into my life and “provoking” me into greater righteousness. And being constantly surrounded by others in “the same boat” as me and the same passions for Jesus and to live like Him helps more than words could describe. So suddenly I found myself thinking man I really do need to stay here longer, I am NOT ready to go home. It was crazy, and I looked at myself in disbelief...how could this happen? How could things turn upside down in a matter of 24 hours?! I guess thats what happens when the spirit of revelation comes upon you and changes your perspectives.
After lunch (during which I told some of my roommates and my core leader about the things going on in my heart. And they seemed to be in agreement and excitement at the idea of me staying longer) I returned to Sermon on the Mount. I think I read all of chapter 6 and 7...not sure though...anyways. It was AMAZING. Seriously, AMAZING. It was the first time in my life that reading the scriptures felt like an actual conversation with Jesus. I was able to get so involved with the words I was reading, like I was in another world. I was picturing Jesus preaching this sermon to the crowd. Jesus, a human, speaking...not just red words in a Bible that we skim over all to quickly, but Jesus speaking. I would take a verse or two at a time and then stop. I would pray in tongues and thoughts would come up about those verses...questions mostly of “how?” and “what does that look like?” Then I would ask the Lord about them and then read the next verse or two. And it was totally like Jesus was directly answering my questions/thoughts! It was SO awesome and exciting to read on! Like I said before, it was like having a conversation with Jesus. He would speak, I would give my thoughts and questions, and He would respond in perfect wisdom. The brilliance of the order of that sermon truly amazes me now. He knew what we would think and spoke accordingly...and yet it was also very personal to me and my situation. The verse that really seemed to answer my question of what should I do now was Matthew 6:33. It talks about seeking first his Kingdom and His righteousness. I suddenly saw how staying for track 2 fell under that verse perfectly. Being here, I am pursuing His Kingdom (we are constantly learning of the Kingdom of Heaven, and how we are citizens of it, not of earth..and preparing for His kingdom to come to earth as well) and His Righteousness (constantly being convicted, encouraged, and provoked into greater righteousness through the teachings, the people, the atmosphere, the amount of Bible reading I have been doing etc...). It just totally described me being here. It seemed that being here lined up perfectly, like those are basically the main focuses we learn on here. Not healing, not evangelism, or gifts (though all of these have a very important part of our walk with Jesus) but His Kingdom and His righteousness. I found myself realizing that this might really be the best way for me to obey that verse, to stay for track two after all. (comparing it to my other current options...)
That same night I pulled out the track two application I was given at the meeting (everyone was given one), I filled it out right there in the prayerroom, and I was excited to! :) Its really so crazy how much of a change happened in 24 hours...and yet it some ways it was more of getting rid of my stubbornness as well...cause part of me had always thought about staying...even though I denied it as I said “no”.
Since then, I have talked to many about my wrestle of to stay or not to stay and Track 2 really seems like the wise decision. So yeah, basically, I am staying :) Yay! Its so ironic because I was convinced all those stories I heard of people in track 1 set against staying but changed their mind were just “all those people”...not thinking I would really be one of them!
I also want to clarify that my time here is not really about IHOP. I don't feel called to be an IHOP-er or anything, I don't feel that the gifts and passions God has given me are being fulfilled or used here to their utmost...but I know I need this season in my life. It is kind of like a wilderness time. It is all about the heart. Stoping the doing, and focusing on the heart. This time to build my foundation in God, His word, and His Righteousness. And to learn about His ways and of His coming. My time here, beyond all doubt, will affect (and already has) the rest of my life.
I really have to go to bed now, but I will soon right of the latest revelation I got (just today actually!)
First of all concerning track 2. I am really feeling the Lord leading me to stay for track 2. But before I expound on that any more I want to explain what it took (or the majority of it) for me to come to this place.
Its so ironic, because a couple sundays ago we had a track 2 informational meeting and then they had us tell them “yes, no, or possibly”. I actually said flat out “no.” I had my mind made up, I was not staying. Its not that I had no desire to stay, I had grown to love these people and my home here, I just didn't want to stay. Even as I said it though I could almost feel my stubbornness. For those of you that don't know, I am very stubborn.
Anyways, fast forward to the next day in the prayer room. I was pacing with my Bible, reading Matthew 5. I have read that chapter countless times since I have been here, but this time was different. It was as if the words were arrows hitting my heart. I was totally in another world, quite unaware of those that passed me as I paced. I could only take a verse or two and then would stop. The truths were so deep, and so revealing of my shortcomings. As I progressed through the chapter I was made very aware of how “far from the mark” I really am, and how much I could benefit staying longer. The last verse in chapter 5 was about all I could bear...about being perfect as our heavenly father is perfect. I realized that no matter how pure and true my heart is, I NEED to be pushed. I need to continue to be pushed beyond my comfort level of righteousness...I need the discipline right now to spend hours with the Lord, hours of reading his word and praying. I need those in authority over me bringing new conviction into my life and “provoking” me into greater righteousness. And being constantly surrounded by others in “the same boat” as me and the same passions for Jesus and to live like Him helps more than words could describe. So suddenly I found myself thinking man I really do need to stay here longer, I am NOT ready to go home. It was crazy, and I looked at myself in disbelief...how could this happen? How could things turn upside down in a matter of 24 hours?! I guess thats what happens when the spirit of revelation comes upon you and changes your perspectives.
After lunch (during which I told some of my roommates and my core leader about the things going on in my heart. And they seemed to be in agreement and excitement at the idea of me staying longer) I returned to Sermon on the Mount. I think I read all of chapter 6 and 7...not sure though...anyways. It was AMAZING. Seriously, AMAZING. It was the first time in my life that reading the scriptures felt like an actual conversation with Jesus. I was able to get so involved with the words I was reading, like I was in another world. I was picturing Jesus preaching this sermon to the crowd. Jesus, a human, speaking...not just red words in a Bible that we skim over all to quickly, but Jesus speaking. I would take a verse or two at a time and then stop. I would pray in tongues and thoughts would come up about those verses...questions mostly of “how?” and “what does that look like?” Then I would ask the Lord about them and then read the next verse or two. And it was totally like Jesus was directly answering my questions/thoughts! It was SO awesome and exciting to read on! Like I said before, it was like having a conversation with Jesus. He would speak, I would give my thoughts and questions, and He would respond in perfect wisdom. The brilliance of the order of that sermon truly amazes me now. He knew what we would think and spoke accordingly...and yet it was also very personal to me and my situation. The verse that really seemed to answer my question of what should I do now was Matthew 6:33. It talks about seeking first his Kingdom and His righteousness. I suddenly saw how staying for track 2 fell under that verse perfectly. Being here, I am pursuing His Kingdom (we are constantly learning of the Kingdom of Heaven, and how we are citizens of it, not of earth..and preparing for His kingdom to come to earth as well) and His Righteousness (constantly being convicted, encouraged, and provoked into greater righteousness through the teachings, the people, the atmosphere, the amount of Bible reading I have been doing etc...). It just totally described me being here. It seemed that being here lined up perfectly, like those are basically the main focuses we learn on here. Not healing, not evangelism, or gifts (though all of these have a very important part of our walk with Jesus) but His Kingdom and His righteousness. I found myself realizing that this might really be the best way for me to obey that verse, to stay for track two after all. (comparing it to my other current options...)
That same night I pulled out the track two application I was given at the meeting (everyone was given one), I filled it out right there in the prayerroom, and I was excited to! :) Its really so crazy how much of a change happened in 24 hours...and yet it some ways it was more of getting rid of my stubbornness as well...cause part of me had always thought about staying...even though I denied it as I said “no”.
Since then, I have talked to many about my wrestle of to stay or not to stay and Track 2 really seems like the wise decision. So yeah, basically, I am staying :) Yay! Its so ironic because I was convinced all those stories I heard of people in track 1 set against staying but changed their mind were just “all those people”...not thinking I would really be one of them!
I also want to clarify that my time here is not really about IHOP. I don't feel called to be an IHOP-er or anything, I don't feel that the gifts and passions God has given me are being fulfilled or used here to their utmost...but I know I need this season in my life. It is kind of like a wilderness time. It is all about the heart. Stoping the doing, and focusing on the heart. This time to build my foundation in God, His word, and His Righteousness. And to learn about His ways and of His coming. My time here, beyond all doubt, will affect (and already has) the rest of my life.
I really have to go to bed now, but I will soon right of the latest revelation I got (just today actually!)
Sunday, October 19, 2008
More deep stuff going on in my heart
So on friday, we had a really good teaching at our encountering God service. We looked at John 17 and how Jesus asked his heavenly father for three main desires of His. “To be with them” to be with me and to be with you. Jesus desires to be with you. Wow, this just strikes my heart. The perfect sinless Jesus desires to be with me. The second thing he desires is that we see His glory. That we see who he is, and that the inner workings of His heart be made known to us through the Holy Spirit. The last thing he tells His father He desires is that “they love me with the love which you love me, and that they be in me and I in them.” Wow, isn't that intense!? He desires us to love him with the highest love there could possibly be, the love He has for the Father and the Father has for Him. He wants us to share in that perfect love. The depth of the love the Father has for the Son is put into us by the Holy Spirit!
Anyways, after the service they had a kind of altar call thing....for anyone that wants to respond to the call to love God more deeply, or however they put it. This whole loving God and his love for me has been pretty much the main theme in my life during my time here, so of course I went up to the front. As an outward sign of acknowledging my desire and need in this area of my life and also to receive prayer. Tears began to flow almost immediately as I worshipped and prayer before the Lord. Lindsey, the oldest of my room-mates at 22, came up to me and began to pray over me...Lindsey was telling me the things she felt the Lord was speaking to me. She talked about Jesus wanting my everything, not just part of me. And how He won't relent until He has all of me. It was really powerful...I was sobbing again. She said a lot more but that was the main theme of it. Just about God's desire to have all of me and how he doesn't give up on getting all of me. I responded to those things telling the Lord I give him everything....I will follow him with both feet (in reference to the dream I had in China where the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me).
Afterwards I was pondering and thinking things over...over my time here as I've fallen back in love with Jesus, I'm realizing that He is re-establishing my trust in Him. I didn't realize the extent of my lack thereof until now – as I realize he is restoring it. It involves mainly the aspect of my future, and my relationship with Jordan.
I had been worried and fearful (even though I never really came out and said it) about really truly give my everything to God because I had to make sure things included Jordan just right. I was holding tight to my relationship. As though, through gritted teeth, I could say to the world and everyone around me “I will prove this is right, and I WILL make this happen. Just you wait and see.” What a sad, screwed up way to look at things though.
I was scared. Scared that if I obeyed the passions and desires/callings I felt God put in my heart that I would lose Jordan. So instead, I held him so tight. Praise the Lord that I acted in faith and in obedience to come to IHOP. That was a good step of re-establishing my trust in the Lord. That's where the trust comes in. Trusting that the Lord really truly knows best. (and knowing it in my heart, not just my head). Trusting I don't have to hold Jordan with that death-grip because God is in control, not me. (thankfully!)
My trust is shifting back onto the Lord's shoulders, letting him carry my burdens. I'm trusting that he knows everything, and really knows best. He knows the whole picture, and His plan for me is perfect. Instead of holding so tightly to Jordan and saying no to passions in my heart as a result, I will run with the things the Lord puts on my heart and see where it takes me. I will stay in love with my Savior, for he alone is the reason that I live. And I will trust Him to work things out, in His timing. Who am I to think I know it all, to think my plan is the only way? I am beginning to really learn the truth. The truth that God's will shall come to pass if I walk in obedience to Him. I don't have to make things happen in my own strength. I don't have to defend myself and what I believe God said to me. That's God's job. (basically sounds like a conversation I had with my parents before I left...if only they could have trusted that the Lord would deal with me in His timing and perfect way and trusted that I would be diligent to respond; instead of trying to convince me themselves of what I need to think or do) I need only to love Him with all my heart, mind, and strength, and live in obedience to Him. He will take care of the rest. It's not that my beliefs have really changed, but the trust for making things happen and the way and timing of how things will happen is truly in God's hands now, not mine or Jordan's. I don't have to make God's will happen, he will take care of that. His will shall come to pass if I submit everything to Him. I say not my will but yours be done oh Lord! What do I have to fear, what should I be afraid of? Afraid of living out God's perfect will? No way! And oh how much would I miss if I did things my way. It is only when I give Jesus my everything, with complete trust that His ways are perfect, that I can truly thrive; truly live life. And in His will there is indescribable peace and satisfaction. Taking things one step at a time, in love with my Jesus and trusting Him with everything,
Trisha
Anyways, after the service they had a kind of altar call thing....for anyone that wants to respond to the call to love God more deeply, or however they put it. This whole loving God and his love for me has been pretty much the main theme in my life during my time here, so of course I went up to the front. As an outward sign of acknowledging my desire and need in this area of my life and also to receive prayer. Tears began to flow almost immediately as I worshipped and prayer before the Lord. Lindsey, the oldest of my room-mates at 22, came up to me and began to pray over me...Lindsey was telling me the things she felt the Lord was speaking to me. She talked about Jesus wanting my everything, not just part of me. And how He won't relent until He has all of me. It was really powerful...I was sobbing again. She said a lot more but that was the main theme of it. Just about God's desire to have all of me and how he doesn't give up on getting all of me. I responded to those things telling the Lord I give him everything....I will follow him with both feet (in reference to the dream I had in China where the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me).
Afterwards I was pondering and thinking things over...over my time here as I've fallen back in love with Jesus, I'm realizing that He is re-establishing my trust in Him. I didn't realize the extent of my lack thereof until now – as I realize he is restoring it. It involves mainly the aspect of my future, and my relationship with Jordan.
I had been worried and fearful (even though I never really came out and said it) about really truly give my everything to God because I had to make sure things included Jordan just right. I was holding tight to my relationship. As though, through gritted teeth, I could say to the world and everyone around me “I will prove this is right, and I WILL make this happen. Just you wait and see.” What a sad, screwed up way to look at things though.
I was scared. Scared that if I obeyed the passions and desires/callings I felt God put in my heart that I would lose Jordan. So instead, I held him so tight. Praise the Lord that I acted in faith and in obedience to come to IHOP. That was a good step of re-establishing my trust in the Lord. That's where the trust comes in. Trusting that the Lord really truly knows best. (and knowing it in my heart, not just my head). Trusting I don't have to hold Jordan with that death-grip because God is in control, not me. (thankfully!)
My trust is shifting back onto the Lord's shoulders, letting him carry my burdens. I'm trusting that he knows everything, and really knows best. He knows the whole picture, and His plan for me is perfect. Instead of holding so tightly to Jordan and saying no to passions in my heart as a result, I will run with the things the Lord puts on my heart and see where it takes me. I will stay in love with my Savior, for he alone is the reason that I live. And I will trust Him to work things out, in His timing. Who am I to think I know it all, to think my plan is the only way? I am beginning to really learn the truth. The truth that God's will shall come to pass if I walk in obedience to Him. I don't have to make things happen in my own strength. I don't have to defend myself and what I believe God said to me. That's God's job. (basically sounds like a conversation I had with my parents before I left...if only they could have trusted that the Lord would deal with me in His timing and perfect way and trusted that I would be diligent to respond; instead of trying to convince me themselves of what I need to think or do) I need only to love Him with all my heart, mind, and strength, and live in obedience to Him. He will take care of the rest. It's not that my beliefs have really changed, but the trust for making things happen and the way and timing of how things will happen is truly in God's hands now, not mine or Jordan's. I don't have to make God's will happen, he will take care of that. His will shall come to pass if I submit everything to Him. I say not my will but yours be done oh Lord! What do I have to fear, what should I be afraid of? Afraid of living out God's perfect will? No way! And oh how much would I miss if I did things my way. It is only when I give Jesus my everything, with complete trust that His ways are perfect, that I can truly thrive; truly live life. And in His will there is indescribable peace and satisfaction. Taking things one step at a time, in love with my Jesus and trusting Him with everything,
Trisha
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