I feel like the Lord is trying to explain to me what he is teaching me...what I need to learn in this time. What I need to be able to take away with me when I leave this place – no matter where I go or what I do. Its not so much about endless hours of praying and reading the Bible. As that would basically be impossible anywhere else. And those aspects are, of course, important and necessary as well. But I need to learn how to live with Jesus at the center of everything. That in everything I do, I am trying to glorify God and listen for the Holy Spirit's counsel. So that no matter what fills my day from start to finish, I'll go to bed being closer to God and more in love with Jesus and more in tune with the Holy Spirit. Because being a lover of Jesus makes me successful.
Spontaneous singing was going on as I was writing that journal entry that seemed fitting :)...I'll share some of it:
I will not have my portion in this life
For I know when I awake, I will be satisfied
I will be satisfied
I'll have my full inheritance
No compromise, we wanna be wholly Yours
We want to be found worthy of your Son
I give you my heart
I give you my soul
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
God is a Jealous God
So, I don't remember what day it was, but I was sitting in the prayer-room journaling and thinking and this revelation hit me. Literally, its the only way I can describe it. I will kind of paraphrase what I wrote in my journal:
I was journaling about my frustrations in this complicated time as far as my relationship with Jordan goes. I was pouring my heart out to the Lord and asking Him what I should do. Even as I wrote that question I felt I knew the answer. “Press into God. Remember He is my everything. Pursue him whole-heartedly, just for you and Him. Not for the sake of Jordan, not for the sake of confirmation. But because you love Him. Because you want to know him. You can pray for Jordan and wisdom in all of this. But try to leave it at that. Don't worry! Don't try to figure it all out, even if it seems Jordan has or wants you to. Just focus on God now and worry about that later. Lord, I surrender. I desire to run after you wholeheartedly. Teach me your ways and what you have for me.”
It (the revelation you could call it :) ) just really hit me suddenly...that I had wrong motives and expectations for my time here. It was like I had been thinking if I spend all this time here in God's presence and in prayer than he will have to give me answers! And some of that is okay and true but it was too important for me...it was like the Lord was gently rebuking me, showing me what was in my own heart. His perfect holy Light does seem to reveal even the hidden darkness in our own hearts doesn't it? He wants me to be here to spend time with him because I love him. Period. No other motives.
After thinking on that and confessing to the Lord, I wrote: “Forgive me for almost trying to use You. I'm sorry God.”
Some days later I was reading in the awesome book “The rewards of Fasting” by Mike Bickle & Dana Candler. I wanted to share an excerpt from that book that relates well with part of my revelation:
“Fourth, Jesus the Bridegroom is zealous. Love is not passive and the God of affection is an all-consuming fire (Deut. 4:24) His jealousy for us is as demanding as the grave, a most powerful flame, the very flame of God (Song. 8:6,7). With fierce zeal He consumes all that hinders love in us, everything that gets in the way. He will not have only a portion of our hearts and He will continue to jealously pursue every aspect of our lives until we are fully His.”
I am beginning to grasp what it means for God to be a jealous God. I'd heard it before many times but I feel like I am finally getting insight into what this means. I guess thats what revelations do to you, suddenly the Lord gives you insight into His word, your own heart and His heart in a way you never had. He really is jealous for my affections, my love, my time, my heart. And he will do whatever it takes to captivate me. He makes no room for other lovers! And I definitely wouldn't put it past him to do things I might deem unfair just to get my attention and draw me close to Him. (staying for Track 2 was one of them! :) ).
I was journaling about my frustrations in this complicated time as far as my relationship with Jordan goes. I was pouring my heart out to the Lord and asking Him what I should do. Even as I wrote that question I felt I knew the answer. “Press into God. Remember He is my everything. Pursue him whole-heartedly, just for you and Him. Not for the sake of Jordan, not for the sake of confirmation. But because you love Him. Because you want to know him. You can pray for Jordan and wisdom in all of this. But try to leave it at that. Don't worry! Don't try to figure it all out, even if it seems Jordan has or wants you to. Just focus on God now and worry about that later. Lord, I surrender. I desire to run after you wholeheartedly. Teach me your ways and what you have for me.”
It (the revelation you could call it :) ) just really hit me suddenly...that I had wrong motives and expectations for my time here. It was like I had been thinking if I spend all this time here in God's presence and in prayer than he will have to give me answers! And some of that is okay and true but it was too important for me...it was like the Lord was gently rebuking me, showing me what was in my own heart. His perfect holy Light does seem to reveal even the hidden darkness in our own hearts doesn't it? He wants me to be here to spend time with him because I love him. Period. No other motives.
After thinking on that and confessing to the Lord, I wrote: “Forgive me for almost trying to use You. I'm sorry God.”
Some days later I was reading in the awesome book “The rewards of Fasting” by Mike Bickle & Dana Candler. I wanted to share an excerpt from that book that relates well with part of my revelation:
“Fourth, Jesus the Bridegroom is zealous. Love is not passive and the God of affection is an all-consuming fire (Deut. 4:24) His jealousy for us is as demanding as the grave, a most powerful flame, the very flame of God (Song. 8:6,7). With fierce zeal He consumes all that hinders love in us, everything that gets in the way. He will not have only a portion of our hearts and He will continue to jealously pursue every aspect of our lives until we are fully His.”
I am beginning to grasp what it means for God to be a jealous God. I'd heard it before many times but I feel like I am finally getting insight into what this means. I guess thats what revelations do to you, suddenly the Lord gives you insight into His word, your own heart and His heart in a way you never had. He really is jealous for my affections, my love, my time, my heart. And he will do whatever it takes to captivate me. He makes no room for other lovers! And I definitely wouldn't put it past him to do things I might deem unfair just to get my attention and draw me close to Him. (staying for Track 2 was one of them! :) ).
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Basic Update...Track 2!
So, I have been at track 2 of Fire in the night for about 2 ½ weeks now. There is definitely similarities but it feels so different. I love it though, its been awesome. First big change = the people!
I am slowly getting to know a lot of the track 1 people. There are a lot of really cool ones! There is about 50 of them. I must say at first it was very overwhelming. I went from recognizing every face in the prayer-room to feeling very outnumbered by “new” people. :) I felt like this wasn't fire in the night because they don't belong here! :) I still haven't talked to a lot of the girls....though I have met almost all the guys. The girls just seem harder to approach...for me anyways. They are much more clique-ish. They sit with their apartments at meals and such. I would much rather sit down with a bunch of guys that are talking about random things than a bunch of girls that seem to know one another well. For the most part the guys are too silly and crazy to make you feel awkward or out of place. I really often prefer the company of guys to girls. I know it seems weird, but honestly I have never lived with so many girls! :) I'm a little girl-overloaded. I'm used to me, mom, and 4 guys (not to mention the other 2+ guys that are at our house almost constantly). I do hope I get to have some good conversations with the girls though over the next couple of months. We had a little sharing/question session with a bunch of the girls about 2 weeks ago. It was really cool. We introduced ourselves and let them ask us questions about whatever they wanted. And we ended by praying for them. It was really cool.
Spiritually, there is a different atmosphere in track 2. There is more hunger and intensity in my own heart not to mention in my whole apartment. We spend every morning praying for one another before we go to sleep and we have lots of conversations about God, His word, and what He has done in us. I feel like there is much less wasted time or time used for less edifying purposes, like face-booking for example. (not to say that face-book is wrong by any means, but this is an intense three month season of my life). I am so incredibly blessed my who the Lord gave me for roommates. Lindsey shares a room with me, she was my apartment mate last track as well. She is 22. Then there is Rachel and Kara, Rachel will be 23 in a couple days and Kara is 25 I think. As a result, I am now the youngest :) I don't mind at all though and actually feel quite blended into the mix just fine :) I enjoy the maturity and intensity that rests on our apartment. Of course thats not to say we don't have fun, laugh, or have crazy times together. Rachel and I seem to die of laughter almost every morning as she brushes her teeth in the bathroom :) We have such a blast together. Oh, I also wanted to say I am so incredibly blessed to have the core leaders that I have: Katie and Kristie. They are both amazing, mature, grounded woman in the Lord! And they are both tons of fun and easy to talk to, very accepting and understanding. I love it because during our weekly apartment meetings we share things the Lord is teaching us and then Katie is teaching us about the attributes of Jesus. We usually go at least 30 minutes over the scheduled time asking questions about the Word and just listening to her insight and wisdom. Its been amazing! I also like the fact that there are only 4 of us in our apartment (the other track 2 apartments have 5 & 7). It feels more like our own place with less stuff and less traffic of people.
As far as classes go, almost every class we have is with track 1, which is very different than last track where there was much more distinction. We have a class all about Jesus called “the excellencies of Christ,” Connection Time with Stuart (we had that last track), Sermon on the mount/discussion groups, and Foundations of a forerunner/discussion groups (the only class we have just as track2). I really really enjoy the discussion groups, it is something they are doing new this track. (I don't think they ever did it much in previous tracks). We get to dissect what was talked about, ask questions, and share/receive insights on verses and principles discussed in class. Its really cool! I also love hearing from others, you get to know them in a different way when you see that side of a person.
Overall, I am loving track 2 but at the same time excited to go home when it is over...its been a long time. I also can't wait to start an omega group when I get back, each track 2 intern received a kit to start one!!
I am slowly getting to know a lot of the track 1 people. There are a lot of really cool ones! There is about 50 of them. I must say at first it was very overwhelming. I went from recognizing every face in the prayer-room to feeling very outnumbered by “new” people. :) I felt like this wasn't fire in the night because they don't belong here! :) I still haven't talked to a lot of the girls....though I have met almost all the guys. The girls just seem harder to approach...for me anyways. They are much more clique-ish. They sit with their apartments at meals and such. I would much rather sit down with a bunch of guys that are talking about random things than a bunch of girls that seem to know one another well. For the most part the guys are too silly and crazy to make you feel awkward or out of place. I really often prefer the company of guys to girls. I know it seems weird, but honestly I have never lived with so many girls! :) I'm a little girl-overloaded. I'm used to me, mom, and 4 guys (not to mention the other 2+ guys that are at our house almost constantly). I do hope I get to have some good conversations with the girls though over the next couple of months. We had a little sharing/question session with a bunch of the girls about 2 weeks ago. It was really cool. We introduced ourselves and let them ask us questions about whatever they wanted. And we ended by praying for them. It was really cool.
Spiritually, there is a different atmosphere in track 2. There is more hunger and intensity in my own heart not to mention in my whole apartment. We spend every morning praying for one another before we go to sleep and we have lots of conversations about God, His word, and what He has done in us. I feel like there is much less wasted time or time used for less edifying purposes, like face-booking for example. (not to say that face-book is wrong by any means, but this is an intense three month season of my life). I am so incredibly blessed my who the Lord gave me for roommates. Lindsey shares a room with me, she was my apartment mate last track as well. She is 22. Then there is Rachel and Kara, Rachel will be 23 in a couple days and Kara is 25 I think. As a result, I am now the youngest :) I don't mind at all though and actually feel quite blended into the mix just fine :) I enjoy the maturity and intensity that rests on our apartment. Of course thats not to say we don't have fun, laugh, or have crazy times together. Rachel and I seem to die of laughter almost every morning as she brushes her teeth in the bathroom :) We have such a blast together. Oh, I also wanted to say I am so incredibly blessed to have the core leaders that I have: Katie and Kristie. They are both amazing, mature, grounded woman in the Lord! And they are both tons of fun and easy to talk to, very accepting and understanding. I love it because during our weekly apartment meetings we share things the Lord is teaching us and then Katie is teaching us about the attributes of Jesus. We usually go at least 30 minutes over the scheduled time asking questions about the Word and just listening to her insight and wisdom. Its been amazing! I also like the fact that there are only 4 of us in our apartment (the other track 2 apartments have 5 & 7). It feels more like our own place with less stuff and less traffic of people.
As far as classes go, almost every class we have is with track 1, which is very different than last track where there was much more distinction. We have a class all about Jesus called “the excellencies of Christ,” Connection Time with Stuart (we had that last track), Sermon on the mount/discussion groups, and Foundations of a forerunner/discussion groups (the only class we have just as track2). I really really enjoy the discussion groups, it is something they are doing new this track. (I don't think they ever did it much in previous tracks). We get to dissect what was talked about, ask questions, and share/receive insights on verses and principles discussed in class. Its really cool! I also love hearing from others, you get to know them in a different way when you see that side of a person.
Overall, I am loving track 2 but at the same time excited to go home when it is over...its been a long time. I also can't wait to start an omega group when I get back, each track 2 intern received a kit to start one!!
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