More deep stuff going on in my heart

So on friday, we had a really good teaching at our encountering God service. We looked at John 17 and how Jesus asked his heavenly father for three main desires of His. “To be with them” to be with me and to be with you. Jesus desires to be with you. Wow, this just strikes my heart. The perfect sinless Jesus desires to be with me. The second thing he desires is that we see His glory. That we see who he is, and that the inner workings of His heart be made known to us through the Holy Spirit. The last thing he tells His father He desires is that “they love me with the love which you love me, and that they be in me and I in them.” Wow, isn't that intense!? He desires us to love him with the highest love there could possibly be, the love He has for the Father and the Father has for Him. He wants us to share in that perfect love. The depth of the love the Father has for the Son is put into us by the Holy Spirit!

Anyways, after the service they had a kind of altar call thing....for anyone that wants to respond to the call to love God more deeply, or however they put it. This whole loving God and his love for me has been pretty much the main theme in my life during my time here, so of course I went up to the front. As an outward sign of acknowledging my desire and need in this area of my life and also to receive prayer. Tears began to flow almost immediately as I worshipped and prayer before the Lord. Lindsey, the oldest of my room-mates at 22, came up to me and began to pray over me...Lindsey was telling me the things she felt the Lord was speaking to me. She talked about Jesus wanting my everything, not just part of me. And how He won't relent until He has all of me. It was really powerful...I was sobbing again. She said a lot more but that was the main theme of it. Just about God's desire to have all of me and how he doesn't give up on getting all of me. I responded to those things telling the Lord I give him everything....I will follow him with both feet (in reference to the dream I had in China where the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me).

Afterwards I was pondering and thinking things over...over my time here as I've fallen back in love with Jesus, I'm realizing that He is re-establishing my trust in Him. I didn't realize the extent of my lack thereof until now – as I realize he is restoring it. It involves mainly the aspect of my future, and my relationship with Jordan.

I had been worried and fearful (even though I never really came out and said it) about really truly give my everything to God because I had to make sure things included Jordan just right. I was holding tight to my relationship. As though, through gritted teeth, I could say to the world and everyone around me “I will prove this is right, and I WILL make this happen. Just you wait and see.” What a sad, screwed up way to look at things though.

I was scared. Scared that if I obeyed the passions and desires/callings I felt God put in my heart that I would lose Jordan. So instead, I held him so tight. Praise the Lord that I acted in faith and in obedience to come to IHOP. That was a good step of re-establishing my trust in the Lord. That's where the trust comes in. Trusting that the Lord really truly knows best. (and knowing it in my heart, not just my head). Trusting I don't have to hold Jordan with that death-grip because God is in control, not me. (thankfully!)

My trust is shifting back onto the Lord's shoulders, letting him carry my burdens. I'm trusting that he knows everything, and really knows best. He knows the whole picture, and His plan for me is perfect. Instead of holding so tightly to Jordan and saying no to passions in my heart as a result, I will run with the things the Lord puts on my heart and see where it takes me. I will stay in love with my Savior, for he alone is the reason that I live. And I will trust Him to work things out, in His timing. Who am I to think I know it all, to think my plan is the only way? I am beginning to really learn the truth. The truth that God's will shall come to pass if I walk in obedience to Him. I don't have to make things happen in my own strength. I don't have to defend myself and what I believe God said to me. That's God's job. (basically sounds like a conversation I had with my parents before I left...if only they could have trusted that the Lord would deal with me in His timing and perfect way and trusted that I would be diligent to respond; instead of trying to convince me themselves of what I need to think or do) I need only to love Him with all my heart, mind, and strength, and live in obedience to Him. He will take care of the rest. It's not that my beliefs have really changed, but the trust for making things happen and the way and timing of how things will happen is truly in God's hands now, not mine or Jordan's. I don't have to make God's will happen, he will take care of that. His will shall come to pass if I submit everything to Him. I say not my will but yours be done oh Lord! What do I have to fear, what should I be afraid of? Afraid of living out God's perfect will? No way! And oh how much would I miss if I did things my way. It is only when I give Jesus my everything, with complete trust that His ways are perfect, that I can truly thrive; truly live life. And in His will there is indescribable peace and satisfaction. Taking things one step at a time, in love with my Jesus and trusting Him with everything,
Trisha